Tales of a Nobody

We are starting this years InsaneJournal holiday sale. From now until the end of the day Friday, November 27 we are going to be holding a sale on Self-Committed[paid] accounts and Extra Userpics.

The prices are be as follows

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1 Month -> $5
6 Month -> $15 $10
12 Month -> $25 $18

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6 Month -> $10 $5
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Then on Friday November 27th from 8am until 4pm (Eastern US time) we will be running a very special sale on Permanently Insane accounts.

Question:  Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby..

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

(Last one of these for the night.)

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic!
     Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat  and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly  removed.       
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.     
 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the  toilet seat by simply using the sink.       
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut  yourself and bleed for a few minutes thus, reducing the pressure in your veins.     
5 A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,  will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.     
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.    
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a  hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.       

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days.  Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.  He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds.  "Look, Michael.  Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.  I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth .  .  .  "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor -Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a Continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries.  "This one will be extremely hot,  while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God..  "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.  There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests.  The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world.  They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?  You said there would be balance!"

God smiled, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in the other Washington."

Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food & dish nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do you think I will continue to sleep on

the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door......

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 
3. I like my pet better than I like most people. 
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, and don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and, if they get pregnant, you can sell the results. If I didn't already have kids, I'd likely have pets.

Pass this on to all your pet loving friends as well as those who aren't... it's too cute not to share.

More from the email files...

You might be a Floridian if...

* You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan.

* Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time.

* You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color.

* You think of your hall closet/saferoom as "cozy".

* Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in".

* Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it.

* You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months.

* You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster.

* You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means.

* You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood.

* You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw.

* Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted.

* You now own 5 large ice chests.

* Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down".

* You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations.

* You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street.

* You're depressed when they don't stop.

* You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer.

* You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags.

* You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw.

* You know what "Bar chain oil" is.

* You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector and face shield for Christmas.

* You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable.

* You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice".

* Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy".

* You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric.

* And finally, you might be a Floridian if:

* You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!

"I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it."
Edith Sitwell (1887 - 1964)

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa,
and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

Dear Tide,

I am writing to tell you what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the very best.

Now that I am almost fifty, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I also ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my
attorney called and said I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great and wondrous product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Elsie

(this is what happens when I clean out my email in-box...I foist these things off on the rest of you!)

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........



////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.




//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.



####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.




********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , North and South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Kentucky & West Virginia )



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.




//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.



=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?



%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.




))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?

It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.

I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky ....

- Alex

P.S. Remember this motto...... an armed society is a polite society!

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-

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